Changes

Hmm.. it's definitely been a long time since my last post. A LOT of things have just been happening lately. Now, HE'S back to school. He's actually doing fine. & we're not getting along.. again. Ughhh. I really don't know what the problem is. I've been trying my best to support him and give him his own space for a little while. But, he just keeps on avoiding me completely. He's talking to everyone except me. Well, that's how it seems to go. I really don't know what went wrong. One minute we were doing fine, then the next, it's like we're back to the start again. I try to understand that he's going through a lot right now and that he doesn't need any drama and all, but it looks like he's asking for it. And his friends... ughhh. I'm not even willing to go there. All I can say is that I thought he was SO much better than that.

Anyway, right now, everything is dull. What used to be the sunny days were now rainy. What used to be happiness is now gloominess. & what used to be love was now.. uncertainty.. I can pretty much say that we're slowly drifting apart. & I HATE it. Like I said before, we're REALLY close. Well, used to be, I guess. I wish everything would be back to the same again. No tears, no broken hearts, no scars that need to be healed, just... LOVE.

I miss those days where we used to talk without things feeling awkward, just natural. I miss the days where he would make me laugh and tell me cheesy compliments, just to see me crack a smile whenever I'm feeling sad. I miss the days where he would hold me in his arms; feeling protected and loved. The way the sun shone on his face was indescribable. His eyes were the perfect color of chocolate brown. I would get lost in them instantly. His smile would brighten up my day... But.. now, all of that is lost. It's no longer going to be that way anymore. We've grown up and matured in our own ways. Somewhere along the road, we got lost. Now, we can't seem to find our way back to each other anymore. & that's how it's probably going to stay, too. I just have to accept the fact that we'll both never be the same around each other again. No matter how much it hurts, I have to live with it. After all, they say, "If you love large, you must hurt large." Guess that I have to pay the price of loving him so much...

Good and Bad...

As all of you know, I've been kinda depressed lately. Now, I'm actually... happy again. I got to patch things up with someone. We talked for what seemed like hours, but it was worth it. I told them how I felt and they told me how they felt. That's the good thing that happened.

Now onto the bad thing... they told me something that literally BROKE my heart. Turns out that they need heart surgery because of complications with the heart. Since they were a little kid, they've had three holes in their heart, & that's something I NEVER knew. Ever. It surprised me. Really.. They seemed SO healthy, but I didn't know they were actually falling apart inside. I broke down. We BOTH broke down. I'm trying to stay positive for them as much as I can. I told them that everything will be okay. That there's no need to worry. But who am I kidding? It sounded like I was convincing myself more than that person. BUT, when you stay positive and think positive, then everything will turn out fine. So, like I said, that's what I'm doing for them. I love that person so much that seeing them suffering from heart complications BREAKS me. I've been through A LOT with them. We have such wonderful history. That's why I was so glad I got to patch things up with them. The fact that we're both in each other's lives again makes me really happy.

Another sad thing is that their surgery is in a week, so we're both trying to spend as much time together as we can because after that, we won't be able to see each other for about 2 months. :( They need bed rest for a month after the surgery, but I told them that I would visit them at the hospital after the surgery. That person's family is suffering SO bad, and I feel really sorry that they have to go through that. It's painful. REALLY painful. Their family is also like my family. That's how close we are.

Anyway, I just felt like I needed to vent, which is through this blog. I am so glad to finally let my feelings and thoughts out on here 'cause this has been buried in my mind since God only knows when. So.. I guess I'll just leave it here. I'll blog more if I need to vent again. Seriously hoping for the BEST.

♥

Dreaming Big

One of my BIGGEST dreams is to get to perform and act in front of people. I've been singing since I was 3 & I've been acting since then, too. I've joined a lot of plays to showcase my talents. I compose music whenever I can, with the help of my lovely guitar and keyboard. I just love, love, love to entertain people. I LOVE the feeling of accomplishing something. I LOVE the feeling of excitement and anticipation. I just LOVE it. & these are the people that inspire me every single day to reach my dream:

CELINE DION:
My #1 inspiration. :) She's the reason why I wanted to sing when I was little. I remember, I would always sing along to "My Heart Will Go On' and "That's The Way It Is" in front of everybody when I was a kid. "My Heart Will Go On" was one of the FIRST songs that I've learned to sing. She's incredible and her voice is just so powerful.

MILEY CYRUS:
I've supported her since day 1 of the Hannah Montana Season 1 premiere. Miley's THE BEST. She doesn't care what other people say about her. She's doing her own thing. She's a great singer and actress and to see her grow up in front of the media is just AMAZING. It's amazing how she can handle all that pressure and crap that people say about her. She's a great role model, in my opinion. She's not afraid to try new things and that's what I admire about her. But most of all, she's not afraid to make mistakes.

JONAS BROTHERS:
Three boys that are sooo inspiring. They've inspired me to make music. They're all just soo talented and I don't care what other people say. Their music is incredible. Every album has a different sound to it. They have big hearts and are not afraid of reaching out to people. Plus, they're amazingly good looking. What's not to like, girls? ;)

DEMI LOVATO:
Demi, Demi, Demi. Great personality. Gorgeous. Unbelievable voice. She seriously blew me away when I first heard her sing. The girl's amazing and sooo down to earth. She's just herself. She's always trying new things. I knew she was gonna be big since I saw her on "As The Bell Rings," & look where she is now. Her music is mind blowing and I love all her songs.

TAYLOR SWIFT:
She's one of the reasons why I started making my own music. Her songs are beautiful. They all have a lot of meaning. Whenever I have a bad day, I listen to her songs, which I can sooo relate to. That's what I love about it. Her songs are practically my life. I hate the fact that she's getting so many haters just because she won a lot of awards. She deserves everything that's happening to her! Look at how far she came from. No matter what other people say, she's still a GREAT singer and a GREAT inspiration to me. :)

Hmm.. so that's basically it. There are more, but they are the main ones. They are my inspirations. They inspire me to never give up. To stand up when I'm down. To follow my dreams. & hopefully, they will come true one day. :)

Just Breathe

So.. I've been thinking a lot lately. & I've come to the conclusion that I should just let life take me wherever it wants to take me. Right now, I'm just laying in bed and listening to music; just thinking about life. I always ask myself, "Why are we here? What's our purpose? What should we do?" Those are the questions that keep me hanging. That keep me wondering. Life is just... Life. You love, you get hurt. You make decisions, you make mistakes. You fall, then you get caught. Every single thing we do is all about life. It's all about living happily and being carefree. So, I decided that that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna make decisions that I know will make me happy. I'm gonna make mistakes and learn from them. I'm gonna take opportunities and try everything I can. I'm gonna LIVE.

:)

Birthday. =]

Soo.. I know that blog that I posted before was too depressing and emotional, but I felt like I just needed to let that out. I can never hold my feelings in. I'm straight-forward with everything. But.. MOVING ON. :)

TODAY'S MY BIRTHDAY!
I'm finally 16 years old. I can't wait till I get my permit and start driving around. Although I'm not really sure I'm ready... Haha! :)
I know, you're thinking that how in the world can a 16 year old experience love like that? Well, let me tell you all something. When talking about love, age doesn't matter. What matters are your feelings. Trust me, it's not impossible to find true love when you're this young. I know a lot of people who fell in love this young. But.. yeah. I guess love doesn't pick the perfect timing, huh? It just comes and goes. BUT, you hold on to the memories. Never forget them. Anyway, since today's my birthday, I'm gonna try to think happy thoughts. To forget about what's currently going on and just focus on the positive side of things. I just wanna be happy for a moment. Thanks to all my friends, I know that I'm not alone. I know that I'll have someone to talk to and to lean on to.

So, I guess I'll just stop here. Haha. :) I've got some birthday celebrating to do. Life is too short to miss out on...

♥

Life and Love.

LIFE. LOVE.

We live to love. And when we love, we get hurt. It's the natural cycle of love. When you love too much, you get hurt. When you get hurt, you can't stand the pain and you just want to forget everything. To forget that special person. That's what I'm going through right now.

First loves. We all have them at some point. Doesn't it feel wonderful? To know that you have someone to lean on to? To know that you have someone to love and care for? To feel invincible and on top of the world? Well... that's how I used to feel. STRONG. My first best guy friend was my first love. We didn't know it at first, but we were aware of our feelings for each other. Whenever I needed someone to cry to, he was always there. Always. Whenever I needed cheering up, I would always go to him. He was there through my first heartbreak with my first boyfriend. He was there on my first play performance. He was there when I needed someone. He was there for EVERYTHING. It's funny how time can fly by SOOO fast. Things change. People change. Then suddenly, you don't know who they are anymore.

So, here's the story. He liked me, but I never realized it. I was with another guy. I told him I wanted to be just friends with him. I didn't have any feelings for him at all. He accepted it. He said he would always be there for me. That he would wait for me. & he did. Him and I grew VERY CLOSE. He would call me every night. Whenever he went out of country, he would call me at 5 a.m. in the morning, just to see how I was doing. He didn't give up. He kept his promise. Then, I realized that.. I liked him after all, too. So, because of that, I broke up with my boyfriend. I asked myself over and over again. Did I make the right decision? I followed my heart. I knew that deep inside, I felt the exact same way. I wanted to give US a try. I thought, 'Hey, I can't get hurt anyway, right?' WRONG. Our love grew over time. Every single memory that we had, I treasured in my diary. I was.. IN LOVE for the first time. But then, somewhere along the lines, something started to go wrong. We drifted apart. Out of nowhere. I don't know how it happened. It was all like a rush. A blur. Everything didn't make sense and I couldn't see what was wrong. WHAT went wrong...

Then he left. He left without saying anything. Months later, he came back with a new personality, a new... girlfriend. I was crushed. I locked myself in my room and refused to go out for days. That's how much I was deeply hurt. He CHANGED so much. He wasn't that old guy that I used to know. Everything about him changed. Now, he thinks that he can play with every girl's feelings. He thinks that it's okay for him to come back to me whenever he wanted. It was all just so WRONG... I wrote multiple songs, inspired by him. My diary was FILLED with old memories from when we were young. When times were really easy. Each page in my diary was about him and ONLY him... That was how much I was in love with him.. & now that everything's wrong, I just don't know what to do. I'm sooo clueless. I told myself to forget about him, but I just CAN'T. I guess that's what happens when you give too much...
I don't wanna feel this pain again. I just hope he changes back to the way he was before. BEFORE THIS MESS....